I’m an adult now…when did that happen?
I was looking through my journal this afternoon and saw something I wrote a little over 4 years ago. I thought it described perfectly how I was feeling then and how a lot of other people feel at some point in their lives too. I am thankful that I feel differently now, but that was a very confusing time in my life and this describes it to a tee.
I am an adult now…when did that happen?
Tonight I swept the stairs and put food in the crockpot for lunch tomorrow...I own a house…we are thinking of starting to try for a kid…I’m on a diet, watching what I eat…and my next exciting purchase is going to hopefully be new floors. When did I become an adult?
My job isn’t something that I am passionate about…it mostly is providing me with the means to achieve what I want (a family and a house). My husband isn’t happy in his new position at work…I’m not really sure how to help. My family is states away in Indiana. My friends are also in Indiana…but so is winter.
Everything that made me, me, is gone because it is in Indiana and I’m in Georgia. SonRise camp, that I volunteered and worked at for years is gone…St. Martin’s, the soup kitchen I volunteered at during college, is gone…being a student is gone…being mentored and feeling like I am making a difference at work is gone…so who am I?
I am an adult…but what else?
I am:
a wife
a dog mom
a homeowner
an employee
a long distance friend
a new friend
a kids ministry volunteer
a donut instagram blogger
But I feel:
without purpose (both at work and in life in general)
without friends
like I’m not a “good” person
I’m starting to realize that a lot of my actions, are what made me feel like a “good” person and feel close to God. Maybe I’ve never really felt good enough without DOING good. Most of my life, I’ve done good things: mentoring troubled youth, volunteering with people with disabilities, feeding the homeless at soup kitchens, etc. I always told people about those things and felt proud of it. But now that all of it is gone, I’m not sure what people think about me. I’m not sure what I think about me. Can I be a good person, someone God loves and is proud of, by just being me?
Having been a Christian for years now, the immediate answer that pops in my head is, “Of course! Your identity is in Christ and not in your actions.” And then I hear all the verses that I memorized about my identity in Christ go through my head. I am a child of God (Gal. 3: 26), I am more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37), etc.
But does my heart believe it as easy as my mind says it, or rather, repeats it? I’m not so sure anymore.
For the first time, I am just me. I am not doing anything obviously awesome or selfless. I am just me. And I am realizing that my heart doesn’t believe it.
That is why I am not content. I am striving to be good (by doing good) and feeling like I am failing. But what I needed to realize, and did tonight, is that I am ok just being me. Yes, I have dreams that my life will make a difference for God’s kingdom. But I have NO IDEA how. And that’s ok. Because even if I never do anything more than I am doing right now, God loves me the same.
So now starts the journey of discovering what that means and what that looks like for me in my life. Because, I am an adult now.