“That’s Just How It Is” … But Is It Really?
I have been hesitating to write this because I am still in the transition phase towards becoming a stay at home mom. I have been working remotely, part time for the company I worked at in Georgia, which has actually turned out to be a huge blessing because of the pandemic. But when thinking about writing this, I kept asking myself, “What if this stay at home mom transition doesn’t work out and I have to go back to full time work outside of the home?” Then I decided, who cares? LOL So here it is, my thoughts on why I decided to make becoming a stay at home mom my goal…
After I had Pax, a lot changed. Things that I had never really thought about before, I started thinking about. Emotions I never had, I started feeling. For example, I was given only 6 weeks paid time off after having my baby (and that was with partial pay, not full pay). I knew this before I had my baby obviously, but when faced with the reality of just how short that is when it was happening, I felt kind of panicked. I mean in some countries, mom’s get many months off...and with FULL pay. (Did you know that some people don’t get any paid time off when they have their baby? Even crazier!). When I started to talk about this with other women though, the responses I would get were: “I only got 6 weeks too”, “That’s how people have been doing it forever”, “You just have to deal with it” or sometimes their responses even had subtle hints of shame as if to indicate that I was being a wimp and complaining about something that is just a part of life. But I couldn’t help but wonder if that HAS to be a part of life? Yes, it happens all the time and “everyone” else does it, but does that mean it is my only option? Is it what is healthiest for me and my family?
Once my short 6 weeks were over, I went back to work full time and Pax went to daycare full time. This started 3 months of complete and utter exhaustion. I would wake up, pump, get ready for work, leave for work most times before Pax was even awake, work 8 hours and pump while at work, come home, Pax would get home around 5/530pm with Nathan, make dinner, put Pax to sleep at 630pm, clean up, pump, go to bed, feed Pax 1-2 times a night, and then wake up and do it all over again. I was exhausted and the worst part is that I only got around 1 hour of quality time a day with Pax while he was awake Monday through Friday. You can forget trying to workout during the week or spending any kind of quality time with Nathan too. I was half there at work because I was thinking about Pax, we were eating out all the time because I didn’t want to miss time with Pax before he went to bed, and then once he was asleep I was so tired that I didn’t want to do anything else. I tried to squeeze everything I could into every moment and I WAS getting everything done. But I was surviving my life, not enjoying my life. I can’t tell you how many times I was told that I will adjust and get used to it. That’s just how it is. At the time, we needed my income and we were super blessed that our childcare was free and the people who worked at the daycare were AMAZING and loved on Pax so much. But again I wondered...does it HAVE to be how life is?
After a lot of change in our lives and moving states, we had the opportunity to reevaluate our way of living decide what we wanted our lives to look like. I told Nathan that I felt called to stay home with Pax instead of working outside of the home full time. I was really feeling God tug on my heart to be with Pax during these most formative years and be the one who is shaping him during that time before he goes off to school. This decision though, brought with it a lot of internal and external questions. Did this mean that I wasn’t cut out to be a full time working mom? Was I lazy? Would I miss my “calling” in life? These were questions I asked myself, but also that other people asked me.
In the end, this is what I determined...Was I capable of working full time with Pax in daycare? Yes. Would he turn out terribly? Probably not. But just because I am capable to do it does that mean that I am called to do that? NO! Just because I CAN do something, doesn’t mean that I SHOULD or that I HAVE to do it. It also doesn’t mean that I am weak or lazy or less than.
In fact, I think it’s the exact opposite. The book club I am apart of is reading through the book “Parenting: 14 Gospel Principles That Can Radically Change Your Family” by Paul David Tripp and it has very much changed my perspective on our job as parents. In the book, one of the principles is that being a parent is a calling in our life. In reference to parenting being a calling, his principle states, “Nothing is more important in your life than being one of God’s tools to form a human soul.” He goes on to talk about how everything we choose, do and say in our life is a reflection of where our values are in our hearts. When I look at my first 3 months of working full time, and I tabulate everything I did and chose to do, I thought I was doing because I HAD to. Since I had to work, I would make the best of it and do my best to pour into Pax when I had the opportunity. But something just didn’t feel right. As wonderful as his teachers were, they weren’t me. God chose me to have Pax, so shouldn’t He use me to be His representative in Pax’s life?
Why did we need my income? We needed my income because we had a big beautiful house, 2 car payments, and we like to eat out. The life that we had chosen required me to have an income. When everything changed in our life and we moved to Indiana, we decided to capitalize on the opportunity to see if we could shift our lives so that we didn’t need my income.
I am so happy with how our lives have changed. Like I mentioned at the beginning, I am still working remotely, part time for the company I was with in Georgia, and being home with Pax has been such a blessing. I get to be the one to introduce him to the world, to show him God’s hand in everything around him. To take him exploring and experiencing everything for the first time. We read books, we go outside, we do sensory play, he is SO close to walking, he is eating everything (thanks to baby led weaning), and the list goes on and on. Contrasting to my 3 months working full time... I make dinner most nights, I workout at least once a week, Nathan and I get pretty regular date nights, I get the chance to read books at the end of the day, and I have started making other mom friends.
At the end of the day am I still exhausted? Sometimes yes, but it is an exhaustion from something that I feel purpose in: raising Pax, rather than giving my energy and the majority of my day towards work. I would never judge anyone who does work full time and/or has their kid in daycare, because I don’t know your situation. I know some people cannot adjust their life to live with just one income, I was there once too! But I am so thankful that God opened our eyes to this, gave us the courage to make the adjustment, and has provided for us thus far to sustain the change.
If anyone else is out there, just making it through the day because you believe that this is “just how life is”, I encourage you to ask the question “is it really how life is?” and “does it have to be how MY life is?”. Maybe it’s not about parenting and being a stay at home mom or dad, maybe it is about how much you have in your schedule, maybe it is the amount of things you try to cram into your day/week/month. Whatever it is, don’t let other people tell you that “that’s just how life is” and allow that to stop you from reevaluating your situation and doing what is best for you and your family. God certainly wants us to live our lives to the fullest, and not be run by our lives.
Here are some pictures of the things we have been able to do after reevaluating how we live our lives…
